vanedave's Xanga

Ben Kingsley FAIL

Mon, 06 May 2013 23:33:44 GMT

By the title of this post you can safely infer two things:

1) I saw Iron Man 3.

2) It was a steaming pile of crap.

I would say I don't want to spoil the movie for everyone, but really, Marvel has already taken care of that for me. I do not know how this movie got any good reviews. It was horrible. Such a shame too, cause the movie had some real potential. The best part to me was Ben Kingsley's performance as the Mandarin... while it lasted. As a matter of fact, I think Ben Kingsley's performance as the Mandarin is really all you need to know about the movie.

Without giving too much away about the movie, allow me the following rant;

So for the first 30 or 40 minutes I thought they were doing a great job with the Mandarin. I was able to look past the fact that he wasn't actually Chinese, if only because I really like Ben Kingsley as an actor. Everything else was on point though. The costume was cool and they got the facial hair down. He had this real menacing way of talking and struck the perfect mix of evil and regal at the same time. At one point I remember thinking to myself, "wow, this may be the best villian I've seen since Heath Ledger's joker!" He was that good!

Act up, and he will smack you with his pimp rings!

Then about halfway through the movie things started to change. There was way more Guy Pearce and way less Kingsley. The Mandarin literally didn't do shit in the movie for a solid hour. This is also because this movie really should have been called Robert Downey Jr 3. I swear, this dude spent about twenty minutes total in the Iron Man suit. GYWNETH PALTROW SPENT MORE TIME IN THE IRON MAN SUIT!!! We get it already! Tony Stark is a genius and Robert Downey Jr is a world class smart ass. MOVE ON WITH THE STORY!!!

In fairness, he is a world class smart ass. Take a look at this mugshot!

Getting back to the Mandarin, about halfway through the movie, you started to get the feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong. The movie had not been especially good to that point, but there was still hope that things were building to an incredible finish. Then that is when things really started to unravel. Robert Downey Jr literally ditches the Iron Man suit in some kid's shed in Tennessee, goes shopping at Home Depot for supplies, then shows up at the Mandarin's cliche druglord mansion in Miami. Yes, Miami as in South Florida Miami. They even make fun of this in the movie!

Next up, armed with his Home Depot arsenal, Robert Downey Jr is able to single handedly infiltrate the Mandarin's complex, dodging multiple rent-a-thugs and hookers along the way, and hunt down the Mandarin. Keep in mind, Home Depot RDJ was able to do this even after the FBI, CIA, and the Iron Patriot (Don Cheadle's ridiculous red, white, and blue War Machine outfit) could not.

In retrospect, I probably should have taken this as a warning sign.

Once inside Scarface's... errr, the Mandarin's MTV style crib, RDJ makes past various leapord skin and gold plated decor into the Mandarin's lair. (His King sized master bedroom, complete with walk in closet and master bath.) After kicking two bitches out of the bed, RDJ comes face to face with the villain himself! Out pops the Mandarin, and the epic showdown is set...

...EXCEPT THERE'S A TWIST! (M. Night Shyamalan style.)

The man we think is the Mandarin is really not the Mandarin. Turns out the whole time we were all cowering in fear, instead of being the maniacally evil and all powerful Mandarin, Ben Kingsley was instead revealed to be Guru Tugginmapudha (Kingsley's character in the classic Mike Meyers film, The Love Guru). You think I'm joking right now, but I really am not. I wish I was joking. I wished at the time that the people in the movie were joking. I kept waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out at some point (Are Ashton Kutcher Punk'd jokes still relevant?), but it never happened.

BEWARE THE MANDARIN!!!

Needless to say, at this point the movie was fucked. If you are asking why I didn't just walk out of the theater at that point, it is a fair question. I really should have. My heart just wasn't in it anymore after that. They could have had all the Avengers and X-Men make cameos and I wouldn't have even cared. I would have still been shaking my head wondering why the hell they would do that to the poor Mandarin. Such a good character, played by such a good actor and you fucking make him into a gag? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME MARVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just for effect here are some more exclamation points:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going in to a "blockbuster" movie such as this, I am always a little bit prepared for disappointment. This is especially true if it's a sequel. But the level of disappointment I felt when I left this movie is almost too great to describe. I didn't even bother to stay till after the credits, even though I knew there would be something after. I just knew it would be pointless and stupid, whatever it was. I've since confirmed with friends that it was. There is a special category I've created for sequels that fall so mind numbingly flat as this one did. There are bad sequels (X-Men 3, A Good Day to Die Hard), there are shit sequels (Hangover 2, The Friday after Next), and then there are the category of sequels that I like to call the "Never Happened" sequels. Here is a quick list:

"NEVER HAPPENED" SEQUELS
Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Jurassic Park 3
Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Rocky 5
Jaws 3
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

and now, thanks to the complete anal butt raping (I actually did reference it in this post) of the Mandarin, Iron Man 3 "Never Happened".

The PimpDave Mixtape

Mon, 06 May 2013 21:17:19 GMT

It’s been a while since I’ve had PD grace these pages. In fact it’s been so long, that I had to go back and reacquaint myself with some of his work. While I was taking my refresher course, I decided why not post some of these entries for any newbies who may have no clue who it is that I am talking about. So, here you go people;

PimpDave's Greatest Hits (or Bitchslaps, if you will)

finding-my-inner-pimp/ -pd's first appearance

ladies-who-like-other-ladies-and-other-such-deep-topics/

big-and-pds-v-day-survival-guide/

ask-and-you-shall-receive/

the-ho-hall-of-fame/

when-in-doubt-ask-pimpdave/

ask-a-pimp-the-lost-questions/

Mad PhotoShop Skills

Fri, 03 May 2013 20:04:29 GMT

Look, I am not a professional blogger. I don't have the time to be as meticulous as I really want to be with every single post. Sometimes I have these grand ideas in my head and the execution does not quite match the inspiration. That being said, don't hate kids. I still got mad Photoshop (MS Paint in reality) skills. Just see for yourself!

Hate if you want, but my work speaks for itself!

Showering With Gay Dudes

Thu, 02 May 2013 01:49:21 GMT

As most of you might have heard by now, "NBA player" Jason Collins came out of the clost the other day.

Before I go any further let me say this. To me it really, really does not matter that Jason Collins did this. He is an absolute non-factor on the basketball court. Last season he averaged more fouls per game than points per game. He has been in the league for 12 years (which is miraculous considering that he was barely mediocre at his peak.) and was probably not going to be playing in the NBA next year anyway. For me to be really impressed, I would want to see what happens when a player who is important to a team comes out.

If nothing else Collins' announcement serves as a conversation starter. So far he has received a lot of support from people within his sport and from the general nosey ass public. Still despite the praise he has received since his announcement, there are still many who question whether or not an openly gay athlete will be accepted on a pro sports team. More specifically, the real question is whether or not they will be accepted in the locker room. A few days ago I got into a heated debate with my mom over this very subject.

My mom asked me plainly whether or not I would feel comfortable showering next to Jason Collins if he were on my team. Let's see now. So you are asking me if I would feel comfortable showering next to a 7 foot, 270 pound dude who may or may not be attracted to me? I am a pretty open minded dude, but yeah if I'm being honest I might feel a little uncomfortable in that situation. I mean truth be told, I have never been a fan of the shower at the gym in the first place. All those old white guys who have given up on giving a shit about what people think about them, walking around with their saggy balls swinging as freely as the day they were born a hundred years ago. Even then I can deal with that. As long as you mind your business and I mind mine we can get through the locker room shower just fine. This is not to say that I automatically think Jason Collins would be all up in my business if we were in the shower together. I'm just saying there's a much higher chance that he might. To be fair, I would probably feel just as uncomfortable if not more uncomfortable showering with a 7 foot, 270 pound woman.

Yes I know a gay man is not the same as a woman, but they both want the same thing right?

They both might want a piece of this.

Look, there is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with something. What would be wrong is if I refused to be in the same locker room with him. Or if I refused to even be in the same shower with him. I encounter uncomfortable situations everyday at work, that doesn't mean I don't deal with them. I would love to just refuse to do things that I am uncomfortable with. Having an open mind means facing those things that weird you out a little bit. There is no need to have an open mind to the things you are used to already.

Let me make this clear. I would not feel totally comfortable with Jason Collins being in the shower next to me, but if I were on his team I suppose I would get used to it. Maybe I'd wear trunks into the shower for the first month or two, but I would eventually get over it. One thing I am 100 percent sure of is that outside of the shower I totally and completely don't give a crap.

So congrats on coming out of the closet Jason Collins. Maybe next year when you are not stinking it up on the basketball court you can get a show on Bravo. Who knows, you may even get a raise out of it.

WHOA, HOLD UP WHAT'S THIS ABOUT HIM BEING BLACK??!!!

A Haiku From Me to You

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 21:57:26 GMT

Bitches be trippin'

That is all I have to say

Shortest entry ever

The Genesis of my Disdain for Texting

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 01:43:46 GMT

As I mentioned briefly in my previous post, I am not big on texting. Admittedly, it is a very useful tool for sending stand alone statements that require very little exchange in dialogue.

Clear, concise and to the point. This is what texting should be. Not these ridiculous back and forth conversations that some idiots will spend all day to get through.

Needless to say this was a bit of a dramatization. Still, I think I've made my point. Sometimes it is necessary to actually talk to a person. You can't rely on text for everything!

Still as sound as my logic is, I know it falls on mostly deaf ears. The flaw in my argument is that it appeals to something that no longer exists among the general populus. If the Harlem Shake has taught us anything, it's that people lack common sense. They just go with whatever they see the other idiots around them doing and pretend to adopt it as their own.

I am sounding cynical now. Let me take a breath here.

In fairness, I come from an era where text messages were like a luxury item. Back when I was dating more and at the height of my social life, many people didn't even have texting on their phones. Those of us who did only had like 25 text messages per month. I can remember months where my phone bill would be like double the usual. I would look at the usage details and wonder to myself, WHEN THE HELL DID I SEND 10 EXTRA TEXT MESSAGES?!! That shit was not cool. I was basically programmed to be afraid of texts.

It is only recently that i've gotten real comfortable sending picture texts. The first time someone sent me a picture text I was afraid to open it. I thought my phone might blow up. I called them up and asked them to describe the pic to me instead. After all, I wasn't made of money. I was a struggling college student who could not afford to have his phone melt from the data download a pic text would require. Eventually I realized that accepting photos via text would not kil my phone. Still, I didn't send any pics of my own until I was absolutlely compelled to.

Hey mom, hurt my thumb a little. Do you think maybe I should have it looked at?

Nowadays things don't have to be quite so serious to warrant a pic text from me, but I am definitely still pretty stingy with them. I get real annoyed when I get these pointless pic texts from friends who are bored doing nothing while I am busy at work trying to complete a blog. I just got a text from my idiot friend a little while ago asking me if I think he could pull off the following hat.

I would have posted the actual text he sent me, but I deleted it along with all of his contact info from my phone immediately.

So anyways, long story short, I am not a text person. That's the point of all this.

lol. k?

Watch Out Ladies... (Back on the Prowl)

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:30:36 GMT

You know those douchebags who try to make you feel better about being single after a long term relationship has ended by trying to convince you how lucky you are to be free and how awesome it is to be single? Yeah, those guys are douchebags. I mean don't get me wrong, there are plenty of attractive women out there, and I would love to feel on all of your boobies, but being single is a pain in the damn ass. I don't know if it's just that I'm not used to it anymore, or if it just sucks in general, but I really would rather not be single

I should be racking up the... you know what.

I suppose the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" approach is no worse than all of the people who say sorry over and over while reminding me how awesome I am. I KNOW I'M AWESOME, DAMNIT!!! I don't need to be reminded. To be fair, no matter what people say right now it probably isn't going to be good enough. I know I am a tad on the jaded side. I admit it freely. That being said, that does not change the way I feel about being back on the market. I have some good reasons for disliking the dating scene. I'll give you my top five.

Dave's Top 5 Reasons Dating Sucks

1) I Work Hard for my Money - For one thing being single in New York City is fucking expensive. Every date is like 100 dollars out of my pocket at least. Even a simple dinner and a movie date is something that needs to be budgeted for. I'm not a cheap guy in the least, but I am also not frivolous. I am not gonna dip into my rent money or savings just to impress some chick who I just met on the off chance that she might want to have some sexy time with me at some point.

2) Women are Annoying - Okay in fairness, I'm sure men are too in their own way, but I don't date men so I'll stick to what's relevant to me. Look ladies, I love you, I really do, but there are way too many times when I've been out with a girl and I've felt like I am babysitting. This is especially true if I am out somewhere like a lounge or a club where drinking and dancing is involved. I have to worry about what type of shoes she is wearing, what HER tolerance level is, what guys are trying to feel up on her, if she gets home okay... Fuck, I am supposed to be out relaxing and having fun. I have a job already!

3) Multiple Women, Multiple Headaches - It was difficult enough dealing with one woman at a time, but now while dating I am talking to like three or four women at a time and it is not as fun as some people make it out to be. Making plans, getting calls when I am just ready to go to sleep, faking interest in mundane topics. All things I have little to no patience for at this point.

4) Texting - I am not a big texter and so many people are these days. Call me an old man or make fun of me however you want to, but if the conversation we are having is going to be more than four or five sentences back and forth then just call me so we can get it over with. A text convo should be simple.

"Hey, where are we meeting?"

"At the place."

"What time?"

"Now."

"K. :)"

"C ya there 8===>"

If I have to have an epic line by line convo with you where I wait two minutes at a time for you to respond because you got distracted while watching the latest episode of Scandal, then there is a good chance I am gonna lose interest real fast. And by lose interest I mean in you, not just in your pointless text convo.

Dear women of the world, Shutup about Scandal already!!

5) I Suck at Dumping - This is a reference to having to break it off with a woman, and not some inside info on my bathroom habits. Call me soft, but I just have a hard time getting rid of women I no longer want to speak to. Even if we've only been on one date, I feel guilty just not calling ever again, especially if she starts texting or calling me. I also feel awkward having to have any sort of break up conversation with a woman that I've barely gotten to know her. That usually leaves me just having polite banter and finding excuses not to meet up until the girl gets tired of me. Sometimes this takes way longer than I'd like.

Now don't get me wrong. There are some things I am definitely having fun with. I've met a few really cool women in the past month or so, and I have had a couple of fun dates. I have one woman who, while she didn't come right out and say it, pretty much implied that she'd be willing to be my sugar momma. That's pretty cool. Lastly, now that I am on the prowl I can take advantage of certain opportunities that I had to stay away from in the past. For example, I can now openly entertain all of my xanga groupies that I had to keep at arm's distance before (All two of them!).

In truth, xanga groupies are the only reason I even came back here.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

@roadlesstaken this is your tag. How much do I owe you in roylaties?

Love and Happiness

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 03:51:40 GMT

I've lost the one thing in my life that matters...

...but I've gained perspective.

After the love is gone all you are left with is the deafening silence of what could have or should have been. Anger sets in. Hurt. Despair. This is to be expected. If you are fortunate enough, you get to a point where all of those clouds dissipate and you can see clearly enough to learn some things. I think I am just getting to the point where some rays of light are peaking through my clouds. I mean this not to say that things are where I want them to be. I mean this just to say that I am starting to see things for what they really are.

Every once in a while when I was younger, my dad used to tell me that he deserved credit for not being like some other fathers and leaving out on us. This didn't happen often, but when it did happen it INFURIATED me. It's not that I wasn't aware of how fortunate I was to have my father in my life. I know many people who never knew their father or mother growing up and I could not imagine what it would be like to be without one of them. The thing that made me so angry is that I expected more from my father than the bare minimum, even if there were so many other fathers who came up short in this regard. It was an insult to us both for him to imply that should be the standard to which he should be held.

Those times have stuck with me in recent weeks. I've sort of realized that I've perpetuated this behavior in certain ways in my marriage. When I started going through troubles with my wife I was so mad at her because I don't think anyone could say that I was ever a bad to her. There was no infidelity, no abuse, no blatant neglect. Nothing you could point to as some eggregious transgression that could not be forgiven. When my wife expressed her unhappiness with the way things were I was in disbelief. How could she be so unhappy? I was a good husband! Especially when compared to how these other assholes out there treat their women. How the hell could she not appreciate that?

In the end the conclusion became that there just had to be something wrong with her. This conclusion was shared by most in my family, her family, our friends, and basically everyone else involved. At times I know she was convinced of the very same thing. Instead of looking to myself to see what I needed to do differently, I fostered this notion. Even when I tried to fix things, I did so by doing the things that I wanted to do instead of what she really needed. The thought process became that yeah, maybe I could have done some things better, but damnit if I deserved any of what was going on. She was being irrational and I was just the unfortunate bastard stuck dealing with it.

Here are some truths I've uncovered.

1. Humility is a Virtue - Once you feel like you are the best at something you stop striving to be better. If you feel like you are good, why not strive to be great? People often apply this lesson to their careers or sports and hobbies, but they don't always think of applying this to their personal relationships. Relationships are hard work and just like anything else, it takes practice to make them good or great. You can do better people! Trust me you can. Hit the practice field and put in that work!

2. Never Stop Taking Stock - When major life events take place, it is natural for someone to step back and reassess where they are in life. You often hear people who have been through near death experiences talk about being thankful for what they have every day of their lives. Don't wait till you beat that heart attack to do this. Look around you and appreciate what you have. Then do whatever it takes to hold on to it for as long as you are lucky enough to have it.

3. Happiness is a Blessing - I've had my share of people tell me I deserve to be happy. I don't necessarily disagree. The thing is that there are billions of people on this earth who probably "deserve" to be happy and so so many of them are not. Do I deserve to be happy more than they do? Maybe for some people I do, but for so many others no I do not. Point is happiness is not something we are entitled to. It is a blessing and it is not at all guaranteed. if you find happiness in your life, I mean REAL happiness, do your best to treat it with the respect it deserves. You may not get another shot at it.

These may seem like simple lessons and they may well be. If you had asked me if I understood these things a few years back I would have honestly believed that I did. Bullshit. I did not. I had an unbelievably loving woman who spent years making me feel like a king and I let myself lose sight of what she was worth. I was so focused on myself and how much of a "good" husband I had been that I failed to realize that what she deserved was a GREAT husband. A husband who never stopped showing her how blessed he was to have her. A husband who devoted his entire existence to her the way she had done to him years prior.

I'm sorry.

The man I am from this day forward will be a testament to the love she has shown me throughout the years. I will always love her for these lessons I have learned and so much more.

Because I am Still Very Much a Child

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 13:43:33 GMT

In many ways I am still a big kid. If I could I'd spend all day playing outside. I sometimes have to be forced to take a bath. I frequently have ice cream for dinner. I've been caught digging up my nose three times in the past week!

For most of the year I have to keep the kid in me suppressed. Part of the reason I love Christmastime so much is that I get to let the kid in me out in full force. Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of awkward moments. I've had to run a red light because someone pulled up next to my car and caught me belting out my rendition of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. It can be a pain in the ass trying to figure out whose child I am going to kidnap so I can go see Rise of the Guardians. (Don't want to be that creepy at the movie theater!)

Can you spot the pedophile?

As a grown man it can be particularly difficult to just let loose and actually allow myself to be happy and carefree. There is something real messed up about our society that makes a man feel like less of a man if he is just filled with joy. When is the last time you saw a man just skipping down the street? Or how about a happy fellow just walking down the street with a big smile on his face humming his favorite tune? Okay, wait. Let me amend those questions by instead asking when the last time you saw a STRAIGHT man doing any of those things.

Point is if you see a man just looking jubilant your first thought is probably to reach in your pocket for your mace. Something is probably terribly wrong with that guy.

If you are smart this guys scares the shit out of you!

That is exactly why we men suppress our happiness. We are only allowed to unsuppress it during sporting events. That is why we love sports so much. It's the only thing that allows us to be happy in public without facing accusations of being gay or crazy. That is also why I love Christmas so much. It is the time of year when I allow myself to be irrationally in a good mood. To ignore the image of manliness I am supposed to uphold year round and do happy kid things.

Happy kid things like this.

To all my fellow grown ass men, don't worry about if people are going to make fun of you for being a big goofy kid. Just remember, the less you care what people think about you, the cooler you are. You guys think I'm cool for saying that, right?

I'm 30 Years Old Today

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 13:55:59 GMT

Some of you may not remember me, but I used to be sort of a big deal around here. (Which never meant anything in real life.) This blog used to be a pretty important part of my life. I was here almost everyday, and I would put a decent amount of thought and effort into each and every post I published. It's almost mind boggling thinking back on it. It wasn't so long ago, but it feels like a lot has changed in a short time.

I may not update much anymore, but this place still means a lot to me. Every once in a while I come back and take a trip down memory lane. I check up on old friends and see which newbies are the flavor of the month. I even throw up the occasional update now and then. I still care, despite what my absence may imply. That being said, it wouldn't feel right to celebrate my 30th birthday without stopping by to mark the occasion.

My brother says you're not old till you have gray pubes. I am not telling what color mine are.

As it is with so many things, I feel like other people in my life have made this turning 30 thing into a bigger deal for me than I ever intended it to be. If it weren't for people constantly bringing it up to me, I may have never really given it much thought. But, since it has turned into something that is impossible to ignore, I found myself thinking about it quite a bit in the weeks leading up to this day. I didn't think I'd feel different, but I have to admit I sort of do. It may have something to do with other things that happen to be going on in my life at this time, or maybe its some chemical reaction happening in my old run down body. Who knows? All I know is I can feel the winds of change swirling about me. They are swirling fast and hard, and I know this year is going to be one hell of a ride.

I've been through a lot in my short 30 years. A trip through my Xanga page can attest to that. Its funny but year 29 in a lot of ways was the most eventful and challenging of them all. I've arrived at this milestone day more battle tested... more sure I can handle whatever comes my way. True to the old saying, all the crap that hasn't killed me has made me stronger. So with that being said...

...Bring on the next 70 years. I'm good to go.

Happy Birthday to me.