You ever found something from your past that makes you wonder where the hell your mind was at the time. In my case it was a poem of sorts I wrote a while back entitled, "The Demise of a Gentleman." Here is a taste of the goods...

I am part of a dying breed. I am a gentleman. One of the few left who still keep chivalry alive. I hold doors, and pull chairs. I am faithful, I am respectful, I listen and I care. I never have and never will lay a hand on a woman. Love means something to me.

Seems like I know what women want right? They say that's what they want. Someone who is not out for just sex, someone who won't cheat, someone who will treat them like a lady and appreciate them. Someone to love them. 

- Alright here is where the whole thing changes tone;

Well keep on talking all that bullshit and I will tell you when I hear a hint of truth.What women really want is a man they can play the game with. A challenge if you will. They want to be with the thugs, the womanizers, the men who abuse them, the deadbeats. Here is what you will often hear:
 
I can change him, he won't cheat on me, I can make him a better or more successful man, I won't let any man lay a finger on me. Oh and my favorte of all; he's leaving her, he really loves me.

And when all of this blows up in her face, here is what you hear:

I can't believe this, he's cheating on me, or he got lcked up again, or he got fired again, or he hit me cause he was drunk. And of course, he doesn't love that bitch, he really loves me. It's just that he messed up...AGAIN!

So when women all over are guilty of perpetuating this viscious cycle where does chivalry fit in? What's the point? Women seem to enjoy being treated like shit, right?

Wrong! You see that stereotype is the same as saying all men are dogs. I am no dog, therefore I can find a girl who is not interested in playing these games. It's a long hard road. For they are few and far between. 

Alot of people say chivalry is dead. Well that is not true... yet. It is on it's deathbed though. The simple fact is that women are just as responsible, if not more responsible for it's demise than us men are. Gentlemen need ladies just as much as ladies need gentlemen.

Hmm. Sounded a little more bitter and jaded than usual. I wonder what the hell was going on that week.

Earlier this week I read an article about Jerry Fuchs, an Indie rocker from Brooklyn who died after falling down an elevator shaft. This got me to wondering; How often does that happen? So I did some research and this is what I found...

- Each year in the United States about 30 people die from elevator and escalator related accidents (mostly people who work on elevators and escalators). Of these deaths about one third occur from people falling down elevator shafts. So that means, in the US, about 10 people per year die from falling down elevator shafts.

Looks totally safe to me. 

Here's a few other interesting ones...

- In 2006 there were 29 people who died as a result of a taxi accidents in New York City. That same year there were an estimated 17 mafia related murders. By this measure it can be said that New York City taxi drivers are more dangerous than the mafia.

As if we didn't know that already. 

- Each year about 2,500 people die from food inhalation (choking on food). The average size of the food item responsible is said to be the size of a pack of cigarettes. Also, the most common killer food is steak, which is responsible for 90% of food inhalation deaths. Other common killer foods include lobster tail, hard boiled eggs (WTF?), clams, sausage, turkey, and even bread. CHEW YOUR FOOD YOU GREEDY MOFOS!!!

Maybe vegetarians are the smart ones?

Interesting sidenote: While googling "food choking deaths", I came across a hilariously obvious article on choking which contained the following gems of knowledge:

- Choking is a blockage of the upper airway by food or other objects, which prevents a person from breathing effectively.
- When someone is choking with a completely blocked airway, no oxygen can enter the lungs.
- Breathing is an essential part of life.
- If not treated, choking can lead to death.

- It is far, far, far more common for people to die from autoerotic asphyxiation than from heart complications during sex. Each year about 34 people suffer cardiovascular related sudden deaths during sexual intercourse. Interestingly enough about 27 of those deaths occur during extramarital affairs (that is fucking hilarious, btw.).

The numbers for autoerotic asphyxiation are enormous in comparison. At least 250 people die each year from inicidents of autoerotic asphyxiation. Some estimates have that number at around 1,000 deaths per year.

I am not going to do the obvious thing here and make a crack about practicing safe sex. I am better than that.

I told you guys this Friday would be fun.

So I've had this problem at work where everytime I go to take my afternoon crap, I just happen to go when the cleaning ladies have just finished cleaning the bathroom. I go anytime between 2 and 3 PM and like clockwork I walk in right when they are walking out. Then when I finish they are standing by the door and I have to walk past them with my head down in shame.

I know that when I leave they must be cursing me out. They probably secretly hate my guts (or my intestins to be more precise.) I don't blame them either. They must think I wait around the corner till just the right time so that I can sabotage them each day.

I feel so guilty. I can't keep taking guilt shits. I feel like I am doing damage to my colon.

So I've decided that I need to take action and change my crap schedule. How do I go about doing this? Is it a diet thing? Should I eat more or less fiber? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Inspired by Dommie...

Things That Annoy Me

- Music these days
- People at work who put sour milk back in the fridge. THROW THE SHIT OUT!
- Robert Pattinson's face.
- People who actually say "OMG" in real life. (Double points for anyone who isn't a teenage girl.)
- SUVs with the ridiculously bright headlights.
- People who accuse people of reverse racism in defense of their own racism.
- People who leave comments that are longer than the original blog.
- The guy at the sandwich counter who gets annoyed every time I ask for a little mayo on my egg sandwich.
- Intolerance.
- Ignorance.
- Impotence. (Not that I have a problem in this area, just that I sympahize with those who do.)
- People who have nothing better to do than bitch about one stupid little joke that Sesame Street made.
- Women.
- Joe Jackson.
- Kids these days
- People who need to be told that something like a list of "The Top 20 Token Blackies of All Time" is a joke.
- People in general really.

Today is Veterans Day. It also happens to be my separation date from the Army. What this means is that on this Veterans Day, I officially become a Veteran. How cool is that? Anyway, I decided to take a look back at some writing I did while I was on active duty and share some with you. I will start with a great American patriot...

Specialist Kenneth Wiggins was my roommate for 17 weeks over at JAG school. He was quite the character. Wiggins was from Abilene, Texas. A small conservative (tight assed) town known best for it's thriving bible sales industry. He tried to join the army shortly after 9/11 but was rejected because he was too fat. You see, Wiggins used to wiegh over 320 pounds. Did that stop Wiggins though? Hell No! Wiggins got on a damn treadmill, stopped eating as many Ho Hos and proceeded to lose over 150 pounds just so he could join the army. He then left his job in broadcast communications, where he was making six figures by the way, and joined up at the ripe old age of 34. He is my hero.

At first Wiggins kept his distance from everyone. Many people thought he was kinda crazy, but during the time we spent together I was able to crack his complex shell. I found out that I had a really great roommate. Still, Wiggins was not without his faults. He was nice to a fault, disciplined to a fault, innocent to a fault, and paranoid to a fault (if there is such a thing ).

Let's start off with the niceness.
My god, he must have been the nicest guy I've ever met. For our cleanup duty the thing people least wanted to do was clean the toilets (makes sense right?). Wiggins cleaned the toilets everyday for 11 straight weeks, just so no one would argue. He'd hate to see people fight. (What a dumbass!)

Next let's talk about the innocence.
This man had never heard rap music before he joined the army (except of course for Will Smith and Vanilla Ice). We were listening to the radio one day when we come across Lil Jon's street classic, "Get Low". Wiggins asked me what it was and told me not to change the station. The next line was straight out of a bad movie, and I quote - "I can't understand any of the words but the rythym and beat are kinda cool. I've never heard anything like that." My friends I was literally on the floor laughing. I almost shat myself.

On to the paranoia.
Every morning we would have our room inspected.  During inspection we would play a fun little game with Wigigins. After all of our stuff was thoroughly dusted and cleaned, we would line up by our beds and wait. While waiting we would take turns checking every little thing in the room, knowing full well that everything was perfect. First someone would check their locker, then Wiggins would do the same. Next shoes, bed, underneath the bed, etc. Wiggins being the paranoid guy he was would subconsciously mimic everything we did. It was hilarious. Playing on others' mental problems is always a great way to pass the time.

Last is my favorite Wiggins story and it illustrates his unwavering discipline.
Wiggins always struggled on our morning runs. He would come back to the room every morning like he just got shot in the stomach after completing 3 miles. One morning Wiggins comes in with a big red mark on his forehead, looking like he just had 30 shots of tequila. It was a run day and after the run, to add insult to injury, Wiggins and everyone else outside had to do pushups as punishment for not being loud enough for the drill sergeants. Wiggins was running on fumes before the pushups and quickly tired out in the middle of the drill sergeant's smoke session. When the Drill Sergeants told everyone to continue doing pushups Wiggins tried his hardest to continue but failed. He tried to do extra pushups and each time got halfway up before falling on his face. LITERALLY, HIS FACE!

A normal human being would have quit but not Wiggins. Here is the scene that played out when he returned to the room:

Dave - Wiggins what the hell happened to your head.
Wiggins - I'm fine don't worry about it.
Dave - You're not walking straight man, are you sure.
Wiggins - I just hit my head.
Dave - Where?
Wiggins - Against the concrete several times. I was trying to do pushups but I was too tired.
Dave - *Laughing. Laughing some more. Little more laughing.* Alright seriously man you should've just stopped.
Wiggins - I couldn't stop. The Drill Sergeants said to keep going. When they ask me to do something I am going to do it no matter what. I can't quit.(Greatest Quote Ever)
Dave- You were hitting your head on the floor.
Wiggins- Yeah, and?
Dave- I think you might have a concussion.

WHAT A GUY!!!

Thank you to Wiggins and all of the dedicated soldiers like him.

So this is the second installment in my One Year After We Baracked the Vote series of posts. This is an answer to the first post, and it is written by my mother.

Yes, I agree with much of your assessment; it's because most Americans do not READ beyond the headlines. However, I do not agree with your conclusion. He is not simply a man; he relinquished that when he was elected. US Presidents have always been a symbol to the rest of the world (good or bad). It's true he's only human, but he will be judged on a "superhuman" scale.

So this is the real deal after all?

To many across the world he is a symbol of hope. To the people in Darfur he is hope of ending the massacre, like Roosevelt was for Jews during WWII. For the Muslim World he is the hope of inclusion and tolerance, like Kennedy was. To our soldiers, the hope of home. We tend to romanticize hope. We do not view it as a messy, jagged process often marred by compromises, losses and a lot of "gray" areas.

I greatly admire our President; the man, his values and the hope he represents. However, I keep in mind he is a public servant, an elected official accountable to us. If you love him, support him with action & advocacy. Have you called your representatives to share your opinions on the stimulus, health care, or the war? Have you signed a petition, written an email, or donated to the DNC? Do not sit on the sidelines for the next 3 years and expect another victory.

For me, my judgement of President Obama will be his decisions on the war. I voted for change and this is the line I draw. What's your line?

BTW David, please refer to him as President Obama; he's earned it.