I consider myself somewhat of a liberal conservative... or is it a conservative liberal? I can never remember the difference. All I know is I believe abortion should be a woman's choice and that rich people should suffer at tax time in direct proportion with the rest of us. On the flipside, I also believe tattoos are the mark of the devil and that rap music is a poison upon the moral fabric of our society.

Let me just pause here to make sure you guys know I am being sarcastic. I'll let you decide for yourselves which parts.

LMAO! Like I'd ever seriously say a woman should be allowed to decide anything.

2012, as you may have heard, is an election year in this country. For all my overseas fans, when I say this county I mean America; The land of the free and the home of the morbidly obese. Over the next few months we will hear all about the same issues that candidates always promise to fix, but never really do. Health Care, Unemployment, Oil Prices, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, etc. One of my favorite hot button issues over the past few election seasons has been the debate over Gay Marriage rights.

From a purely logical standpoint this whole gay marriage thing really is a non issue. Gay people love other gay people. People get married to people they love. Gay person in love + Gay person in love, carry the 2, round to the nearest integer = A GAY WEDDING! Who the hell else are they supposed to marry?

Just as long as that hand isn't named Jack!

As the son of a gay man, I am half gay myself. This is not the same as being bisexual, as I have no desire to have penises anywhere in my immediae vicinity at any time, nor have I ever desired to (even in college when I had this real sexy roommate). Being half gay just means that I have a keen awareness of my gay heritage which helps shape my world view. I admit I may be a bit biased in my thinking. Then again, I had an experience over the weekend that made me question just how biased I may be.

I was walking in a particularly gay neighborhood of New York City on Saturday (It's called the East Village, you may have heard of it.), when I came across these two young lads who were walking hand in hand practically skipping down the street. I've often heard people ask the question why people hate gay people so much when they are just minding their own business and not minding yours. Makes sense. How are these people bothering anyone? But then as I stood and watched these two particularly happy young gentlemen embrace, and wipe ice cream off each others faces, and laugh and giggle, and peck eachother on the lips, I realized that they were bothering someone. THEY WERE BOTHERING ME! I said to myself in my head, "Eck, I really wish these fucking gay guys didn't have to be all gay with each other right here right now." I fucking hated those gay dudes at that point in time.

I didn't say it.

In the moment the hate just sort of flowed through me, but after a few minutes later I was kind of shocked by myself. What the hell was that? I'm a liberal conservative (or a conservative liveral whichever one is better), I am not supposed to be thinking like that. I'm supposed to be better than those bible belt neanderthals and country bumpkins from the Confederacy.

Here is the thing I realized about my moment of intolerance. I wasn't really mad at those men for being gay with eachother, I was really mad at them for being so happy with each other. You see, my wife and I had a real bad fight on Friday and I was none too happy with her on that particular day. I was in no mood to see these dudes flaunting their bliss in my face like they're better than me. Who the fuck do they think they are being all successful at their relationship while I am having problems in mine. FUCK THOSE FAGS! (Okay, so now I said it.)

And the more I thought about it, the more I understood how this whole thing works. Those bible thumpers aren't angry because gay people affect their lives in any way. They are just mad that their lives are somehow not as fulfilling as they would like them to be. Maybe those women who say being gay is a choice are just mad that there is all that extra penis running around and they don't have a penis to call their own. Maybe those men who say a marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a man are just feeling guilty for all the times they've cheated on their wives. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON ALL THE CLOSET HOMOSEXUALS!!!

I'm talking to you Chuck Norris. No one is that tough for no reason!

So when all is said and done, it turns out that I am just bitter and not bigoted, which is a relief to me cause one night of some good bonin' can cure the bitter right away. Being a bigot would be a lot harder to live with for such a fine liberal conservative such as myself. Actually, now that I think of it, this whole thing would have never been a problem if it was just two Asians kissing. I wouldn't have felt any guilt saying, "Gah, these fucking Asians need to get a fucking room!" We conservative liberals are known for our healthy hatred of Asian people.

Did I offend you Asians? Me so sorry.

You may be curious about the title. Well, let me explain. Since I don't have all the pics from my holiday to put up yet, I am going to use random pictures of white people enjoying the holdiay to show you guys what my Christmas was like.

Enjoy.

Christmas Scavenger Hunt

My Christmas actually began last weekend. I sent my wife on a scavenger hunt throughout Manhattan looking for her first Christmas present. I made her little rhyming clues that told her where she was supposed to go next. Here is an example of one:

Hop on the train and beat your feet,
A miracle happened on this very street!

At each stop there was someone waiting for her. Her mom, her sister, my aunt and little cousins. She had a task to complete with them before they gave her the next clue. At the end I was waiting for her at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Christmas tree with her Christmas present.

Here is a picture of us making out by a sculpture.

After the hunt was over, we met up with her friend for a surprise dinner. My wife was a huge pain in the ass about having to go all around the city, but in the end she loved it. She really is a huge pain in the ass though.

Christmas Week

The week leading up to Christmas was a blur. Last minute shopping, waiting for packages to arrive, dealing with a frantic wife and crazy traffic. I have to admit, I thought about murdering a few people. Not because they were irritating me directly. It was because they were irritating my wife who in turn was irritating me.

I was trying to get a pair of those Jordans everyone wanted.

Once all the gifts were gotten we had a little gift wrapping party at my apartment with my friends Joe and Abi. It was a nice quiet night with Spanish food, hot cocoa, and Christmas movies. The feature film was Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. Wonder what ever happened to Sinbad. He was truuly a great actor!

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve started out with a wonderful gift from the football gods. The NY Giants beat the NY Jets in the Rex Ryan shit talking bowl. Now I actually am a fan of both of the NY football teams, but I really wanted the Giants to win so they could officially knock the Dream Team Philadelphia Eagles out of the playoffs. Thanks Santa!

After the game I headed to spend the evening and night with my wife's family in Long Island. The night started out a little slow, but after a bunch of red bull and vodkas and a little karaoke things really picked up. Red Bull and vodka may taste gross, but it will sure put some life into you!

That's us singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

At midnight, we all exchanged gifts (as is Puerto Rican tradition). The kids all looked drunk from sleepiness, but once those presents started being opened they perked up. What amazed me was that there were three babies who all stayed wide awake till well after midnight. They were even being shitty about it or anything!

Christmas Day

We had a looong, but entertaining Christmas Day. We started off early in the morning exchanging gifts at my mom's house. Among other things, Denice got a slow cooker, and I got some Knicks tickets. I gave my brothers all a couple of T Shirts I made for us, and I got a shake weight for the whole family to enjoy together. (Alright that didn't sound right!)

After my mom's we headed over to my Abuela's for Christmas brunch. This ties in perfectly for me, cause I have time to go elsewhere after. We had a good time at brunch, exchanging gifts and watching the Knicks win their opener. Around 4 PM after a spirited game of Taboo, I headed to my Haitian grandma's house.

My brother and I playing Taboo.

At the Haitian's house, dinner started a bit late. I didn't mind since I had brunch beforehand. My grandmother started dinner off by telling everyone that I was going to do the prayer since I was the writer of the family now. I was a little offended that they only now recognize that I am a writer. HELLO, I'VE BEEN WRITING CLASSIC BLOGS FOR YEARS!!!

I started off my pre-dinner speech with a few jokes about my grandma being drunk and some smart ass remarks about Jesus really being born during the harvest months and Christmas really being about Santa. Then I did some heartwarming, sappy family stuff. After all that, my Aunt interrupted and said that I was just supposed to lead everyone in a prayer, and not give a speech. 

SHE FUCKIN' KANYE'D ME!!!

After dinner at my grandma's I headed home to prep for a Christmas night get together at my house. It was supposed to be just a few friends some Hot Cocoa and some chocolate chip cookies, but everyone brought booze instead. So much for keeping it simple.

My friends and I all bought gifts for a grab bag, and we gathered around for the grab bag during the party. It was one of those where you can steal gifts, but we made it so that you had to do the stealing before you saw what the gift was. We all opened our gifts at the end. The highlight was my friend Joe who ended up with a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush. I felt kind of bad, cause he brought a nice gift and ended up with a crappy one. It was really freaking funny though.

Worst gift EVER!

Christmas After

That is my term for the day after Christmas. I had a nice relaxing Christmas After with my wife at home. We didn't do a damn thing the whole day. In the afternnoon her mom came over with her sister and grandpa for a bit, but aside that we were lazy as hell. It was awesome! Oh, I finally starting watching Breaking Bad, so there was that too.

Bryan Cranston, ftw.

Anyways, now that I've said all that, hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I didn't forget about the Christmas Sing Along either. I have some great videos to share with you guys, and I will have them for you real soon. I just got way busier than I expected.