Wednesday, 25 April 2012

  • You Think You've Got it Tough!

    The other day I was listening to the radio late at night when I heard the DJ give out a number for the station's request line. I hadn't heard a request line in a real long time. Request lines are old people shit. In this day of instant gratification and Super ADHD, it seems ridiculous to take the time to call into a radio station, wait on hold hoping to get through, request one single song, and then wait by the radio for another five or six songs until your stupid request song plays. That is an awful lot of trouble to go through to hear a song. Especially when you can just jump on the internet or your smart phone and hear that same song in a matter of seconds.

    Requests Lines Then:

    "Yeah hi. Oh my gosh, this is Katie from Cedar Falls. I'm on the air, I can't believe it! Can you play The Right Stuff by New Kids on the Block?"

    Request Lines Now:

    "Siri, play Justin Bieber. PLAY IT NAO BITCH!!! Kthxbai."

    On the surface it seems like a no brainer to say that things are better today. I am not so quick to say one is better than the other. I mean sure, today's version is faster, easier, more convenient. But does that necessarily make it better? Until you've actually been on that request line on hold for an hour. Until you know the absolute thrill of getting through to talk to the DJ. Until you've sat by that radio, foresaking everything else in the world until you heard your song play, only to feel a unique sense of accomplishment when it finally plays. Until you've been through all that, you can't understand the value of the old school request line. You kids have shit too easy these days. You don't know how good it feels sometimes to work for things. To have to go through significant amounts of trouble for something you really want.

    The best example I can think of is porn. When I think back on what I had to do to watch some porn, it really makes me sort of miss it. If you would have told me at age 14 that I could have instant access to any kind of porn I want, at any time of day, right in the palm of my hand (the hand that is not busy that is), I would have thought you were some kind of genie sent from the heavens. I would have signed up for that in a second.

    I would have been wrong. Nowadays I just don't have the same appreciation for porn that I used to have. The fact that I can pull up a video of four chicks going to town on one dude and say, "meh, this isn't doing it for me today", tells you just how spoiled this easy access porn has made me.


    I mean seriously, who wouldn't find this hawt!!!

    Back then if I wanted to watch some porn I had to go through countless hoops. Most of the time I settled for scrambled porn, which involved skillfully working the cable remote with one hand while working my remote with the other. There were other times when I "accidentally" ordered porn through the Spice Channel by pressing the AUTH button (when it wasn't blocked), but I never really enjoyed watching that porn cause in the back of my mind I knew I was going to have hell to pay when my Dad saw the cable bill. If I wanted to have a really good porn watching experience I had to work hard for it.

    How 14 year old Dave got to watch good porn:

    Step 1 - Save up to get enough money to buy a porno tape
    Step 2 - Search phone book for non local porno store accessible by bus.
    Step 3 - Journey outside of my neighborhood to foreign lands risking life and limb in the process to a porno store I am certain that I will not be spotted going into.
    Step 4 - Purchase porno tape and smuggle home as soon as possible through a fog of paranoia and shame.
    Step 5 - Arrive home, slow heart rate, and review alibi in my head before entering the house and heading directly to my room to stash tape. 
    Step 6 - Wait hours or even sometimes days on end for the perfect uninterrupted viewing window. 
    Step 7 - Towels on hand, prepare to have mind blown.

    I feel bad for these kids of this generation. They'll never know how sweet of a jerk it is when you have to work literally for weeks to see some quality porn. They take their jerking off for granted! For them it's just going through the motions, night after night. For us it was an experience! 

    As this rant draws to a close, I suddenly realize that this is my version of the old people speeches that I used to suffer through when I was a young lad. Like when I used to ask my grandma for a ride somewhere and she used to respond by telling me how she used to walk sixteen miles to school every day. Those stories sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me, but I can sort of appreciate them now. If I thought travelling to a distant neighborhood to purchase porn was bad, I can only imagine what kind of epic stuff I would have had to do back in the day. I could imagine being an 80 year old man today reacting to this rant with a rant of my own.

    You think you had it tough, back when I was a teenager if I wanted to see moving porn I had to sneak into the hippy neighbor's yard down the block, camp outside of their window sometimes for the entire night, and wait for them to get it on!


    DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO JERK OFF WHILE CLIMBING A TREE?!!

    I guess that would have a little tougher.    

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

  • I Sometimes Hate Gay People

    I consider myself somewhat of a liberal conservative... or is it a conservative liberal? I can never remember the difference. All I know is I believe abortion should be a woman's choice and that rich people should suffer at tax time in direct proportion with the rest of us. On the flipside, I also believe tattoos are the mark of the devil and that rap music is a poison upon the moral fabric of our society.

    Let me just pause here to make sure you guys know I am being sarcastic. I'll let you decide for yourselves which parts.


    LMAO! Like I'd ever seriously say a woman should be allowed to decide anything.

    2012, as you may have heard, is an election year in this country. For all my overseas fans, when I say this county I mean America; The land of the free and the home of the morbidly obese. Over the next few months we will hear all about the same issues that candidates always promise to fix, but never really do. Health Care, Unemployment, Oil Prices, Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, etc. One of my favorite hot button issues over the past few election seasons has been the debate over Gay Marriage rights.

    From a purely logical standpoint this whole gay marriage thing really is a non issue. Gay people love other gay people. People get married to people they love. Gay person in love + Gay person in love, carry the 2, round to the nearest integer = A GAY WEDDING! Who the hell else are they supposed to marry?


    Just as long as that hand isn't named Jack!

    As the son of a gay man, I am half gay myself. This is not the same as being bisexual, as I have no desire to have penises anywhere in my immediae vicinity at any time, nor have I ever desired to (even in college when I had this real sexy roommate). Being half gay just means that I have a keen awareness of my gay heritage which helps shape my world view. I admit I may be a bit biased in my thinking. Then again, I had an experience over the weekend that made me question just how biased I may be.

    I was walking in a particularly gay neighborhood of New York City on Saturday (It's called the East Village, you may have heard of it.), when I came across these two young lads who were walking hand in hand practically skipping down the street. I've often heard people ask the question why people hate gay people so much when they are just minding their own business and not minding yours. Makes sense. How are these people bothering anyone? But then as I stood and watched these two particularly happy young gentlemen embrace, and wipe ice cream off each others faces, and laugh and giggle, and peck eachother on the lips, I realized that they were bothering someone. THEY WERE BOTHERING ME! I said to myself in my head, "Eck, I really wish these fucking gay guys didn't have to be all gay with each other right here right now." I fucking hated those gay dudes at that point in time.


    I didn't say it.

    In the moment the hate just sort of flowed through me, but after a few minutes later I was kind of shocked by myself. What the hell was that? I'm a liberal conservative (or a conservative liveral whichever one is better), I am not supposed to be thinking like that. I'm supposed to be better than those bible belt neanderthals and country bumpkins from the Confederacy.

    Here is the thing I realized about my moment of intolerance. I wasn't really mad at those men for being gay with eachother, I was really mad at them for being so happy with each other. You see, my wife and I had a real bad fight on Friday and I was none too happy with her on that particular day. I was in no mood to see these dudes flaunting their bliss in my face like they're better than me. Who the fuck do they think they are being all successful at their relationship while I am having problems in mine. FUCK THOSE FAGS! (Okay, so now I said it.)

    And the more I thought about it, the more I understood how this whole thing works. Those bible thumpers aren't angry because gay people affect their lives in any way. They are just mad that their lives are somehow not as fulfilling as they would like them to be. Maybe those women who say being gay is a choice are just mad that there is all that extra penis running around and they don't have a penis to call their own. Maybe those men who say a marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a man are just feeling guilty for all the times they've cheated on their wives. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON ALL THE CLOSET HOMOSEXUALS!!!


    I'm talking to you Chuck Norris. No one is that tough for no reason!

    So when all is said and done, it turns out that I am just bitter and not bigoted, which is a relief to me cause one night of some good bonin' can cure the bitter right away. Being a bigot would be a lot harder to live with for such a fine liberal conservative such as myself. Actually, now that I think of it, this whole thing would have never been a problem if it was just two Asians kissing. I wouldn't have felt any guilt saying, "Gah, these fucking Asians need to get a fucking room!" We conservative liberals are known for our healthy hatred of Asian people.

    Serious Chinese Clip Art
    Did I offend you Asians? Me so sorry.

Tuesday, 06 March 2012

  • Getting Kicked in the Balls

    I hear people are talking a lot about sex today. Look you guys, I am flattered that you all went through so much trouble to make it seem like I missed absolutely nothing in the time I've been away from here, but seriously that wasn't necessary. As an attempt to show my gratitude I will now post about my balls...

    ...sort of.

    Because I am such a marvelous physical specimen (it's true, my gay doctor told me so), people often think that I am impervious to the type of pain and suffering that other lesser humans may go through. Not true. Underneath this imposing exterior is a heart just like any other. If you prick me, I shall bleed. More to the point of this entry, between these legs are balls and if you kick me in those balls... well, let's just say I'd much prefer that you prick me with a sharp object.

    Life has been kicking me square in the balls quite a bit lately. For a while there it was a pretty steady onslaught square to the gonads. Everytime I thought I had things under control for a minute, something worse came to fuck it all up all over again. I've gone through some tough times in my life, but I've never felt like I was at my breaking point. Even when I was in the Army and I had some asshole racist Drill Sergeant torture me for a month straight (I don't mean Boot Camp. This was after I had gone through Boot Camp.), I still felt pretty under control.

    I almost didn't make it through February with my sanity intact. If it weren't for Linsanity and a NY Giants Super Bowl victory I would have had absolutely nothing to pick my spirits up. Seriously, I think the Knicks and Giants kept me from losing it! I felt myself slipping away into depression at times. I wasn't taking care of myself, I was isolating myself from every one, and I generally spent a lot of time asking "WHY ME?" 

    I didn't like where I was. I didn't like it one bit.

    One positive about going through tough times is that it allows you an opportunity to learn about yourself. So what was I going to learn here? That I turn into a whiny little bitch when things get tough? Fuck naw was I going to let that shit happen. I had to assess my options. Was there a way to make sure that the bad shit that was going on came to a stop? Honestly, no there was not. Not immediately. The only thing I had control of at that point in time was me. So I decided to do just that. No more self pity, just action. 

    What you decide to focus on changes your whole outlook on life. If you focus on the negative you will have a shitty life. If your focus is elsewhere, then you'll be able to cope, no matter how much shit there is surrounding you. Change your perspective and you will change your life.

    Since this is rounding into a self help/motivational speech/testimonial/sappy piece of crap, I will end with some sort of life conquering inspirational quote. Which cliche saying should I end with?

    "When life hands you lemons you make lemonade"... nope. How bout?

    Without the lows there can be no highs"... sucks. Try again.

    "So live your life, ayyyyy ayyyy... cause I'm a paper chaser"


    Rihanna is so wise. Can't wait to see her in Transformers 4.

    I refuse to end on that note, so instead I will end with a made up quote that speaks more to my sophisticated sensibility. 

    "Life's a bitch and when that bitch keeps kicking you in the balls you are left with no choice but to slap the shit out of that ho! You are a PIMP, you don't play that shit!!!"

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

  • My Holiday Weekend (Illustrated Using Random White People)

    You may be curious about the title. Well, let me explain. Since I don't have all the pics from my holiday to put up yet, I am going to use random pictures of white people enjoying the holdiay to show you guys what my Christmas was like.

    Enjoy.

    Christmas Scavenger Hunt

    My Christmas actually began last weekend. I sent my wife on a scavenger hunt throughout Manhattan looking for her first Christmas present. I made her little rhyming clues that told her where she was supposed to go next. Here is an example of one:

    Hop on the train and beat your feet,
    A miracle happened on this very street!

    At each stop there was someone waiting for her. Her mom, her sister, my aunt and little cousins. She had a task to complete with them before they gave her the next clue. At the end I was waiting for her at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Christmas tree with her Christmas present.


    Here is a picture of us making out by a sculpture.

    After the hunt was over, we met up with her friend for a surprise dinner. My wife was a huge pain in the ass about having to go all around the city, but in the end she loved it. She really is a huge pain in the ass though.

    Christmas Week

    The week leading up to Christmas was a blur. Last minute shopping, waiting for packages to arrive, dealing with a frantic wife and crazy traffic. I have to admit, I thought about murdering a few people. Not because they were irritating me directly. It was because they were irritating my wife who in turn was irritating me.

    Crazed Shoppers Fight Over $2 Waffle-Makers
    I was trying to get a pair of those Jordans everyone wanted.

    Once all the gifts were gotten we had a little gift wrapping party at my apartment with my friends Joe and Abi. It was a nice quiet night with Spanish food, hot cocoa, and Christmas movies. The feature film was Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. Wonder what ever happened to Sinbad. He was truuly a great actor!

    Christmas Eve

    Christmas Eve started out with a wonderful gift from the football gods. The NY Giants beat the NY Jets in the Rex Ryan shit talking bowl. Now I actually am a fan of both of the NY football teams, but I really wanted the Giants to win so they could officially knock the Dream Team Philadelphia Eagles out of the playoffs. Thanks Santa!

    After the game I headed to spend the evening and night with my wife's family in Long Island. The night started out a little slow, but after a bunch of red bull and vodkas and a little karaoke things really picked up. Red Bull and vodka may taste gross, but it will sure put some life into you!


    That's us singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

    At midnight, we all exchanged gifts (as is Puerto Rican tradition). The kids all looked drunk from sleepiness, but once those presents started being opened they perked up. What amazed me was that there were three babies who all stayed wide awake till well after midnight. They were even being shitty about it or anything!

    Christmas Day

    We had a looong, but entertaining Christmas Day. We started off early in the morning exchanging gifts at my mom's house. Among other things, Denice got a slow cooker, and I got some Knicks tickets. I gave my brothers all a couple of T Shirts I made for us, and I got a shake weight for the whole family to enjoy together. (Alright that didn't sound right!)

    After my mom's we headed over to my Abuela's for Christmas brunch. This ties in perfectly for me, cause I have time to go elsewhere after. We had a good time at brunch, exchanging gifts and watching the Knicks win their opener. Around 4 PM after a spirited game of Taboo, I headed to my Haitian grandma's house.


    My brother and I playing Taboo.

    At the Haitian's house, dinner started a bit late. I didn't mind since I had brunch beforehand. My grandmother started dinner off by telling everyone that I was going to do the prayer since I was the writer of the family now. I was a little offended that they only now recognize that I am a writer. HELLO, I'VE BEEN WRITING CLASSIC BLOGS FOR YEARS!!!

    I started off my pre-dinner speech with a few jokes about my grandma being drunk and some smart ass remarks about Jesus really being born during the harvest months and Christmas really being about Santa. Then I did some heartwarming, sappy family stuff. After all that, my Aunt interrupted and said that I was just supposed to lead everyone in a prayer, and not give a speech. 


    SHE FUCKIN' KANYE'D ME!!!

    After dinner at my grandma's I headed home to prep for a Christmas night get together at my house. It was supposed to be just a few friends some Hot Cocoa and some chocolate chip cookies, but everyone brought booze instead. So much for keeping it simple.

    My friends and I all bought gifts for a grab bag, and we gathered around for the grab bag during the party. It was one of those where you can steal gifts, but we made it so that you had to do the stealing before you saw what the gift was. We all opened our gifts at the end. The highlight was my friend Joe who ended up with a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush. I felt kind of bad, cause he brought a nice gift and ended up with a crappy one. It was really freaking funny though.


    Worst gift EVER!

    Christmas After

    That is my term for the day after Christmas. I had a nice relaxing Christmas After with my wife at home. We didn't do a damn thing the whole day. In the afternnoon her mom came over with her sister and grandpa for a bit, but aside that we were lazy as hell. It was awesome! Oh, I finally starting watching Breaking Bad, so there was that too.


    Bryan Cranston, ftw.

    Anyways, now that I've said all that, hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I didn't forget about the Christmas Sing Along either. I have some great videos to share with you guys, and I will have them for you real soon. I just got way busier than I expected.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

  • SUPER HAPPY HOLIDAY FUN TIME!!!

    Before you ask, the answer is yes. I purposely tried to make the title of this entry sound like a Japanese game show. The reason for this being that Japanese game shows are awesome!

    The holiday season is upon us and I haven't done one single corny Christmas thing here on xanga yet. This just will not stand. With only four days to go, I have decided to go ahead and try and have some last minute festivities here on my page. I will be holding a contest at some point in the next two days, and in between somewhere I'll write a few sappy posts telling you all why this has been one of the most difficult yet rewarding holidays I have ever had, but first I'll start with this.

    Vanedave's Holiday Sing-Off

    No judges. No $5,000,000 recording contract. No tired ass British host who needed to get fired after week 1. This is just a chance or you to join me in having a bit of fun for the holiday. Just follow these three easy steps.

    1. Choose your favorite holiday song. (Not just Christmas carols, could be anything)

    2. Sing it for us and make a video or audio recording that can be posted on a blog.

    3. Send me a link with your post or youtube/vimeo/whatever the hell link.

    I will be posting all of the participants together in one big entry by Friday. You guys have two days to do this.

    Don't be shy. If you feel uncomfortable being on camera, just record yourself and put up a picture as the video. HAVE FUN WITH THIS GUYS! Remember, truly cool people are not afraid to make fools of themselves!


    Happy C/Hanukkah (spelling always gets me there) to all my Hebrew people!

    Oh yeah, my book is still available as a wonderful Christmas gift (here)

vanedave

  • Visit vanedave's Xanga Site
    • Name: David
    • Location: New York, United States
    • Birthday: 10/11/1982
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 10/24/2003
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